I recorded this when I had a whole day to think about what happened on May 9 2013. My body went into shock and even now I feel pain everywhere. I lost my temper but my mother couldn’t even look me in the face. I broke the kitchen chairs whom I’ve hated ever since the first time I told my mother about Pete.(2004-2008) I hate everything in my mother’s house because it reminds me about all the times she chose to protect him and ignore us. In 2004, Erika and myself sat her down at the kitchen table. we had courage to tell her what Pete was doing to us. She told us Pete was an alcoholic and was allowed to touch us when he’s drunk. Back then, Erika and I didn’t yell or loose our temper. We were actually forced to pity my mother because she would never be happy without Pete in her life. she would tell us how much she needed him even though we were being targeted by him(and his two sons). We would always end up giving into her wishes. She did whatever she could to keep Pete in our lives. Erika and me would always feel second rate. She never cried when we told her she wasn’t protecting us from Pete. She cried every time Pete became the problem. She cried about having to choose her kids over him. On May 9 2013, we smashed the Mother’s Day Globe we gave her in 2009-2010. We smashed the Barbie bowl that belonged to Erika. The only thing we broke of hers was the kitchen chairs. I do not regret breaking the memories of my mother crying over Pete. That whole dining room set needs to catch on fire… I’ve been driven insane by my mother. She’s finally admitted to wanting to take our own lives by her hands. She admitted to never wanting children, to never wanting children with my dad, to never wanting children so badly that she actually thinks about murdering us. I never once said I wanted to kill her. I might wish for horrible things to smite her down but I never wanted to kill her. I never said to her I want to kill you. I say things like, “you’re better off dead” or “I wish you died/die”. I would never take it into my own hands. My mother beat us, hated us, hated us for looking like our father, for acting like our father, for just being kids, for not turning out right, for being homosexual, for being against her boyfriend, for being “manipulative”, for being a liar(?), and for so much more. Half the shit she hates us for isn’t even true, or it’s something we cannot control. She hates us for breaking up her relationship and to this day still believes we did it on purpose to hurt her. I never stopped fighting because the only ones getting hurt was Erika and myself. Our pain is so severe that one one wants to get involved. It’s too much of a “problem”. I cannot possibly know how busy my whole family is with their own lives. They think it’s not worth putting their life on hold for Erika or me. They tell us to live with it and force us to just think about the good times. What good times? I’m currently being abused by my mother and everybody would rather protect her/feel sorry for her than do anything for the children who had to suffer along side her. We were her punching bag. She liked/enjoyed beating us because she has no regret for it. And tells us to this day that we deserved to be beaten over having to goto the bathroom. Or for being fat. Or for hanging around with my sister’s friends. Or for trying to run away from home. Or for not eating supper. Or for taking ALL the snacks in the cupboards. Or for not cleaning the house. Or for not getting off the computer fast enough. Or for being afraid of her boyfriend. Or for fighting with each other.
All we ever did was fight. I never wanted to have to live this way, but when you live with someone who has the power to attack you from behind, then you’ll never take off your Armour.you’ll always be prepared to die.I cut myself for years just so that I could become so numb so that my mother’s abuse wouldn’t hurt me anymore. She made me feel like I deserved to never be sad so I cut myself everytime I felt like I deserved it. I hurt myself for crying just like my mother would. I became my mother to myself and I will forever hate her for what she did to my sister and me. She’s still allowed to abuse us. No body wants to help us. There is no help for adults so my mother won. She won by forcing us to lie and keep our mouths shut. the doctors call me a liar because my mother manipulated them to believe nothing EVER happened in her house. The nurses protected her by telling me my mother would have done something if she had known it was happening but she didn’t. I told them I used to tell her with my sister but they just told me that I was lying because no mother would do that to their children….
My mother got away with attempted murder several times in my life. I was beaten nearly to death over a tooth. I was complaining about it because I was in pain. She pinned me down and tried to rip the tooth out of my mouth. I told her to fuck off for the first time in my life and practically woke up covered in my own blood. She hoofed me and punched me and tried to choke me with a huge bar of soap. She put the soap in my mouth and was forcing me to keep my mouth closed. I still remember feeling the soap slip down my throat and I would fight back to spit it out and breathe. She forced me to eat the soap several times until my nose started bleeding heavily. she started beating me up for my bleeding nose and forced me to hang over the toilet bowl. She left me in the bathroom and came in several times to kick me. She forced me to clean up my own blood and told me I deserved this because I wasn’t allowed to swear at her.
A while after, I finally went to the dentist. He said that the root was still attached to the gums and the tooth. That means the tooth had free-range in my mouth and would move around while hanging by the root. He said it had to be cut because pulling it would have ripped out the root. I still remember all this like it was yesterday because I wanted to tell him what happened to me, but my mother threatened me and always said, “it stays in the house, right?”…. I quietly protected my mother even though she tried to kill me over a tooth. It wasn’t about me… She should have never attacked me. She hurt me in such a way that I have trouble recovering from it because I know first-hand how badly my mother wanted us dead. She was so close to killing me and no one even cares. They think she is a saint. She destroyed the lives of two children and then brought a man to ruin us further. She liked toruring us, because we looked and acted like our father. She took out her revenge on us for what my father and her father(my grandfather) did to her. I’m not allowed to act like her, but everyone else gives her the free pass. I’m supposed to become superman so that everyone can get on with their own lives. I’m not strong enough anymore. I’ve fought my whole life. I’m barely living. I barely survived. But my voice goes unheard. I feel very alone because no body loves me and never did. If they loved me and cared, they would have done something to stop her. No one wants to stop my mother. Even though she’s a criminal.
If people forgave and forgot. then murderers wouldn’t ever be punished several years after committing a crime. They would be allowed to kill as long as it happened “in the past”, right?
You think this is ridiculous? Well, this is my family’s logic. They would rather protect the murderer than the victims. I’m not even considered family because I’m hated so much by my mother. She practically forces everyone to believe we’re the evil, psychotic ones. They all believe her and pity her. No one ever tells her to stop what she is doing. No one tells her she’s done so much wrong. Erika and me are completely alone. No one is willing to stand up to our mother, they would rather all stand behind her and look down on me.
What did I do wrong? Was it so wrong to be alive? I never thought I would be hated so much by the people who are supposed to be my family. They would rather sit on the sidelines. They tell me they don’t want to “pick sides”…. Not getting involved is taking my mother’s side because you’re all doing what she did to Erika and me my whole life. Ignorance is not bliss when your family is suffering and begging for your help. It’s selfishness and some day you will be punished for it. One way or another. Because I did not do anything to deserve this treatment. And I still do not deserve it.
To the people who could have done something in my life, you’re disgusting. You’re not much different than my mother or Pete, because you knew about it AND CHOSE TO DO NOTHING!